As I am moving forward in my recovery (from my marriage, my divorce, my codependency, my dysfunctional upbringing) I am learning that I can choose the path of my responses take vs. the sudden zip-lining of reacting. For someone who for years, operated strictly from a place of victimization (all that pity felt so much like love) I am learning, too, that I can choose how to re-frame my experiences with positive versus pitiful language.

Today I spent the day with my new lover and his 14 year old daughter. She lead us excitedly through every corner of one of our region’s largest shopping malls. She relished having the attention of her father & me (and, let’s be honest, access to our wallets).

I loved watching her: leading us through the crowds, weaving through the stores, making instant yes or no decisions about this blouse or those jeans. (And for the record, can I just ask why in the heck is any teen-aged girl suddenly on the prowl for “mom jeans?” Those SOBs look terrible on everyone! But, I digress…)

My own girls were spending the day with their father and his new lover. All day I’ve been fighting this feeling of being left out, left behind. And it hurt. But when I came home I realized something: I have a choice whether to feel wounded or not.

Feeling sorry for myself feels good; familiar, and does, indeed, fulfill some sick need for negative attention. But what if I decided rather than feel sad, to choose to feel grateful? I tried it out:

My girls have two parents who love them and who can never be replaced. They now have additional grown-ups in their lives and in their corners. They have good heads on their shoulders and can determine who is a positive influence and who is not. And, they both truly want their parents to be happy; fulfilled.

The difference in my mood was astonishing. I missed that “woe is me feeling,” but the whole-heartedness I felt instead felt, well, good.

Am I ready to permanently drop the victim role? To decide to be happy? It sounds so corny, but I actually feel lighter. Also, it’s not lost on me that buoyancy is necessary to keep from drowning. I think I’ve thrown myself a life preserver. Wow! It feels oddly satisfying, this being happy instead of sad. Perhaps, I can get used to it.

 

 

(Song lyrics used without permission from Rush. They may mind. Hopefully, not.)