The pony car barrels down the street I said hey what’s going on blaring out of the stereo. It’s Saturday night and the firepit is lit and so are the neighbors.

I wasn’t feeling well tonight and Annie Rose offered to pick me up some soup. She dropped it off on her way to go grocery shopping with her father. Aka HE took her to chik filet to get me soup. And HE drove her here to give it to me. (I don’t know if he paid for it). I caught my brain getting all mushy and thinking, awww, that was a really kind gesture. I should be nicer. I should thank him…I should forgive him…I should make an effort…and then, my brain was like —– scratchhhhh needle across and LP —– wtf?!?? No! No! No!! He’s a dick! He’s a monster!! He stole your money and shamed you to your kids!!!! No, no, no, no!!! Don’t you ever forget!!! And then I ate my soup.

Headlights lead 

’round curvy

canyons’ bends

I know not to ask

where, how, or when

I search for dark skies 

and pinholes of light

a billion years old

yet shining so bright

I care not the travel 

through dust-time and distance

Learned long ago 

not to question resistance

Though gravity pulls 

we can’t keep feet grounded

when red clay and roadways 

give way to hot magma

Earth 

(you sweet mother fucker)

Spinning and spinning til nothing’s

in focus

All that we know, no longer ahead,

all that we knew

no longer behind us.

But! 

I am Quaesitor Luminis! I will find

the lights God put there to guide us

I’ll drive through the night, 

my trailer in tow

headlights and starlights 

the tools that will show

The way to the heavens where each one of us

Someday…

Someday…

Someday…

Will go. 

Semi-transparent moon in the pale blue sky the same color as the butterflies on my flare pants that flounce when I walk just the same way my heart did the first time my eyes landed on you.

As this coach car carries me on rails of steel I stare out the window and watch the trees pass by faster than the years

I never thought our forever was not gonna last and the time we parked at Logan, section U2 near the exit sign we didn’t know ours was near, too.

Or did we? That diner breakfast crying over eggs and coffee finally getting honest

But it would take so much more, wouldn’t it? If have to go down into a black hole, afterall I was used to my screams being swallowed whole and no one, you especially, not listening to me

This train, this train, taking me back to who I always was and to where I wanted to be. At least now in the care of someone who wants to love me right. I’m in the arms of me.

When I was little, my dad seemed so large. His voice was booming and his temper was hot. And though he stood 5’8″ – at most – he loomed over us. A force, like the teacher at the head of the classroom that he’d been for many years prior to my birth, or the lawyer advocating for workers rights as he was then. 

In the early 70s, he grew a beard. It came in more red than brown, a bit like Chris Kringle, and I thought it meant maybe we were less Jewish now? Then came the lamb chop side burns and the tan leisure suits during his dating phase which coincided with Glen Campbell’s “Rhinestone Cowboy.” My dad was a force then. And he still is, but now, he’s shrinking. Right before our eyes, the man who talks over everyone, still, weighs in at 140 lbs. 

I hear him this morning, through the thin walls of my little townhouse, sharing the headlines of the day with his wife. He’s a historian and a news junkie. He’s always been a good talker and a shite listener. Now, at 91, his hearing is so compromised that he doesn’t have to pretend to hear you. He just talks at you. Like he’s always done. Last night coming home from the airport, he gave me kudos for having a “neat” house, and he was happy with the chicken, butternut squash broccoli I’d had the foresight to roast ahead of time. He’s a hard person to please, but for the moment, it seems I’ve done alright. I know because in his own way, he told so.

There’ll be a load of compromisin’

On the road to my horizon

But I’m gonna be where the lights are shinin’ on me…

I don’t think I’ll ever
forget that windy afternoon in
spring before he went
away he told me to come
over he said come
on inside and after
he kissed me, he poured
ounces of gold into my hands and silver, too, and he surprised
me by asking about my unborn future
grandchildren, their financial
well-being. I will take that concern as love even though we only exist between the sheets and her daily phone call.

It really was always that simple:
The things I was missing
I could grow
When I finally gave myself proper soil,
And a pot that fit my roots.
They say that Faith is the moment that you step off of the edge
And find that the net appears 
I had no idea
All that was missing was my signature
All that I needed to be free was there in b&w 

(inspired by Raquel)

My ex-husband was AI. Smarter than everyone, but only because he could impressingly parrot what he’d learned. He had many fooled. Truthfully, he had no original thoughts. He was unfeeling and unkind, like the ocean in the eponymous Dar Williams song, “He did not care, he was not kind, he bludgeoned his sailors, he spat out their keepsakes.” Jace threw out our wedding album, only to have it rescued by our daughter. Even if failed, our marriage was the recorded story of her prehistory. But it takes someone a little less robotic to realize that some things have value, even beyond the stamped expiration date.

The Ocean by Dar Williams is quoted without permission. I hope she won’t mind.

To be unwanted, sexually by your partner is a slow papercut of destruction of your ego, your psyche, your self-esteem. To know that the one person you are committed to forever wants not to touch you, not even in the dark, is an especially cruel devastation. It’s like those sticky mouse traps that are meant to be more humane than the ones that simply crush your skull in an instant. A loveless marriage keeps you bound by your heels and toes, as the first the fight, and then the life, seep out of you. The only way to survive is to chop off your own feet and run, bleeding and without balance, as far and as fast as you can. And it turns out, when you are brave, or scared, enough to do that, not only do your feet grow back, eventually, but also, Love, you grow wings.