And just like that
I am alone
For the first time (in 33 years)
No one else
will open my door with a key on their ring.
No one will ask what’s for dinner
Or whether the dishes in the dishwasher
are clean
The dog will make demands
But even she knows she must wait
Time and space
Are mine
The nest is empty, the fledglings
have flown
I will take off my bra
Spend too long
under a hot shower
Write a poem
And sleep like there is no tomorrow
Last night felt like the last night
You’d sleep at a home, which is also my home.
This morning, I made you a flat egg sandwich.
You took it to go.
C Em
Parks his cruiser in the driveway,
C Em
Turns off the engine and the day
D A
Another shift ended, he’s exhausted
D A
Asks himself what it’s for
C Em
His legs are so weary
C Em
Miles walked for me and you
D A
Back tired, muscles aching
D A
From the lack of gratitude
C G
Some days it’s just too much
C D
That thin line he has to walk
Am Em
The one that keeps us safe
F D
The one that breaks his heart
C G
And he knows that he’s loved
C Em
And he knows he’s hated, too
C G
Life ain’t so simple,
D7 Dsus2/D
For the simple man in blue
C Em
Peanut butter on the counter
C Em
Dog bowl empty on the floor
D A stop
It’s days like this he wonders
D A stop
What the hell is it for?
C G
Sometimes it’s just too much
C D7/D D7/D
The thin line that he walks
Am Em
The one that keeps us safe at night
F D D
The one that breaks his heart
[slower]
C Em
Then he thinks about the women
C Em
Who mean everything to him
D A
His mother and his daughters,
D A
His lover, and his wife
C G
Some days it’s just too much
C D
That thin line he has to walk
Am Em
The one that keeps us safe
F D
The one that breaks his heart
C G
And he knows that he’s loved
C Em
And he knows he’s hated, too
C G
Life ain’t so simple,
D7 D
For the simple man in blue
C Em
But like the wounds he keeps hidden
C Em
He doesn’t show his pain.
C Em
Tomorrow when the sun is rising
D A
He’ll do it all again
D A
He’ll do it all again
“I believe in a man who taught me love is like the ocean. I believe you swam too deep.”
Several years ago, my daughter had the harsh but important experience of learning that someone she’d chosen as a role model revealed himself, inelegantly, to be flawed. The realization knocked her sideways for a bit, left her reeling from the truth: even good, kind, and well-meaning folk cause pain sometimes. Inadvertent, perhaps, but still burns. Part of that lesson is just the human condition. And part of it comes from a place deep inside children like her, like me, who live in a fairytale like place instead of reality. Because the truth of life can be a hard look. And, really, who wants to see that? Not her, not me.
When something cracks the blue sky and the puffy clouds burst open and the rain falls down and stings your skin, you realize, I have realized, living in a pretend world isn’t the best place anymore. Not for myself, for my growth, for my heart. She realized it, too. Perhaps at the price of some innocence. But at the same time, gaining the value of living in reality. Living in truth.
And so I, too, am stepping gingerly into my new world. Choosing to move on and to be grateful for what I’ve learned, and also for all that I’ve experienced. I may have believed in fairytales longer than I should. And I’ll take awhile to lick my wounds. But ultimately I’ll climb back out into the world, feel the sun on my face, and be happy, even for those who have taught me lessons I didn’t want to learn.
I believe in a heart that craves devotion. It’s what we have in common, me and everyone I meet. I believe in a man who taught me love is like the ocean. I believe you still are he.
“Believe” Lucy Greenman. Lyrics borrowed without permission. I hope Lucy won’t mind.
mindful musings 