Civil war. “Everything we were went into that war, and everything we are came out of it.” (Johnathan Gill)

I thought I knew what I wanted, “Wooster, psychology, fall in love and be happy,” 

It took a long time to admit it, but I finally did: what I had was not what I wanted, and no, I was not happy.

And so I left. And one step at a time (and two steps back) I’ve made it. Here. To a life that’s mine. A house that’s mine. A dog that’s mine. A job that pays the bills, mine. A lover who makes delicious morning coffee, mine. A bed where I sleep with yesterday’s clothes at the foot, mine. A shower (lacking repugnant head and shoulders), mine. I clean when I want, I eat when (and where) I want, I sing and dance and cheer. I like candles (mine) and watch corny movies, I chat with friends (mine) and text with my daughters (ok, ours, but mine all mine when we take selfies on the deck (mine). 

I went into the war with everything that I was, everything that I had. I gave 3 decades to the battle and came out with scars. And though I gave all that I had to give, it wasn’t enough. It would never be. And so I surrendered. And now I am all that I am and more. I am mine. Everything I am now, came out of the war. I have won. I am me.