It’s a Fred Eaglesmith kind of night. It’s kind of gritty, dark, cloudy and chilly, too. Like story, or a train, or a storm’s rolling in.
Over the past few years, I’ve been thinking about a lot of things: I’ve been thinking about boundaries and limits, and desires, and truths. And it’s taken me a while, but finally I feel like I am understanding what they mean–for me. For starters, a truth: After decades playacting, I am finally becoming me. Wild, young and free, me. The me who had never had a haircut in her whole life til she was 12. The me who loved horses, dogs, and calligraphy, intrigued by the shapes and “personalities” of all three. The me who was always pleasant, silly, friendly, and kind. Decades after abandoning her, being instead, who I believed everyone else needed me to be–I am returned.
My day started in a meeting of women from across two continents, sharing their stories, feeling the feelings, and owning their lessons. One of them asked if I’d read Untamed, by Glennon Doyle? (I haven’t, but I absolutely will.) My friend had heard a podcast of Brene Brown’s, with Glennon being interviewed about her book. I listened, too. And was blown away by what I heard. Truths about womanhood and motherhood so painfully accurate that I began to tear. I recognized myself in so much, but especially in her story about the trained cheetah: The one who did what it knew, but always, deep, deep inside, had a sense that what they were meant for something, but whatever it was, was not this. I have spent nearly my whole life playing a role, a really, really good role, mind you, when I knew, deep, deep down inside me lived a spirit screaming to break free. That was the first time today I was leveled with realization.
In this morning’s group, we women also talked about boundaries, what do they mean? And whether they aren’t just a more polite means of being controlling? What are my boundaries? Where do I end and you begin? Who, and how many do I want on my island, and how do I want to treat, and be treated on it? Now I know just how good I feel when I enforce my newly realized boundaries. Like I’m someone who is worthy of protection. Like I’m a kid who wants a parent who will tell me what time to be home at night. Like I’ve got someone who loves me enough to teach me when to say, “We’ve had a really good time, but now it’s time to go home.”
I am learning what I really want: To give myself permission, to take alone time, to play. I want to live a life that’s real, and messy, full of accidental mistakes, and with amends with great intention.
I want a life that comes with joy and with pain, and some lessons are hard-learned. Like the one when you see your hand heading slowly towards the stove and though you know exactly what’s going to happen next, you’re unable to stop. You can see the burn before you can feel it.
Fred Eaglesmith is an alternative country singer songwriter. He writes gritty songs about gritty people. I’m a gritty singer songwriter from an alternative country. The one-woman land known as me.
Wilder Than Her, Lyrics by Fred Eaglesmith
Well I’m wilder than her, what else can I say?
But I guess that’s why she fell in love with me
She’s a house on fire, she’s got all those charms
I’m a house on fire too, but I’ve got four alarms
And I’m wilder than her, drives her out of her mind
I guess she thought that she was just one of a kind
But she’s a summer storm, I’m a hurricane
One just blows through town, one blows the town away
And I’m wilder than her
When we go driving in our cars, racing through the night
She can drive as fast as me but she stops at all the lights
She says it’s ’cause I’m crazy, she’s probably right
But I think the reason is that I’m twice as wild
Because I’m wilder than her, drives her out of her mind
I guess she thought that she was just one of a kind
But she’s a summer storm, I’m a hurricane
One just blows through town, one blows the town away
And I’m wilder than her
But when she takes my hand and she looks me in the eye
I see something that I’ve never seen in my life
She takes the fire and turns it down low
She takes the night and makes it not so cold
She takes the distance, breaks it into miles
She makes my life just a little less wild
Because I’m wilder than her, drives her out of her mind
I guess she thought that she was just one of a kind
But she’s a summer storm, I’m a hurricane
One just blows through town, one blows the town away
And I’m wilder than her
Note: I would never have known about old Fred or this song if it weren’t for Dar Williams. The attached video is not either Fred nor Dar. Title and lyrics borrowed without permission. I hope Mr. Eaglesmith won’t mind.
mindful musings 