A black and white graphic hangs on the wall of the Center Healthy Sex. A wide, paint brush circle in black with the words, “Chop wood, carry water.” A simple Buddhist reminder to get back to basics, take it one step at a time and do first things first. It’s the only way out, really — of bad habits, unhealthy relationships, less-than-stellar care and feeding of yourself. When I was there in LA, unpacking my character defects, that image kept me grounded. As in Maslow’s hierarchy, take care of survival needs first, then relational, then spiritual.

This morning I awoke to the sound of rainfall. I was transported to the family room floor in my childhood home, where I’d lay along side the sliding glass door with my pink blankie and contemplate the drops on the glass. Such a simple, peaceful thing, the rain. And I realized how much the same I am. Though I know I am growing.

After spending nearly 30 years in relationship with a man who was always up in his head, never his hands, or his heart, I was desperate for touch, for connection. My first stage of healing came to me in a most basic form. A partner who revels in scents and flavors, in textures and sounds, in the simple beauty of the rain.

But he is primitive. And I am evolving. He has fed my body and brought me from the brink of starvation. But I am climbing the ladder upward and I yearn for more.

I don’t know what his timeline for evolution looks like, nor, as I’ve learned in recovery, can I manage it for him.

But my transformation from fire and stick to empathy, connection and divinity is swirling within me and I must not get in my own way.

For now, I’ll listen to the rain and ask for guidance on how to chop the wood, where to carry the water.

(Title borrowed from REM. I hope they don’t mind)