Epiphanies

/ mindfulmusings4you
  1. [My] addict, though beautiful, kind, tender, thoughtful, divinely sexy, will always, as long as he is using, put his drugs and alcohol first: Before me, before my kids, before his kid, before his own selfcare. His addiction will always be there and will always resent anything and everything that gets in its way.
  2. I do not need to support financially, transportation-wise, meal-wise, habit-wise, health-wise, hobby-wise, anyone in order to be worthy of love. I do not need to be needed to be lovable. Aka, love, kindness, respect, tenderness, do not have to be transactional. Should not be transactional.
  3. I am a wounded girl from an emotionally neglectful and physically disrespectful household. Where my feelings didn’t matter/were ignored. I do not need to remain silent or needless. I do not deserve only “broken” people to “love” me.
  4. I was not raped–by my father, or my stepfather, or my uncle’s, or my neighbor’s–but I did suffer sexually at the hands of others who took unfair advantage of my kindness, my naivety, my desire for connection. That makes me vulnerable and leaves me with blind spots. Someone may very well have preyed upon me and my children for their own sick need for power. This does not obviate my responsibility, my role or in the fallout; but it does mean that I need to be vigilant, and also, make space to forgive myself for not knowing or doing better at the time, and in the future.
  5. I am an adult, divorced woman. If I decide to have sex with someone, whether or not it’s within a commited relationship, that is my decision and my right. I am free. I am strong. I am worthy.
  6. Healing is a daily decision and a daily practice. For me, it requires meditation, journaling, writing poetry, making art, playing and listening to music, taking walks, listening to the rain, washing dishes, folding laundry, taking showers, drinking water. Eating good food, laughing, teaching, sleeping, and being touched. All in moderation. All one day at a time. Some days, twelve steps forward, some days 11 steps back. It’s all a part of the journey.

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